New Heaven
by Clem Galea

ACT ONE

The year is 1991. The play opens in a derelict fibro house located on Brown Street in East Perth. It's a clear, cool night and the full moon is visible through a massive hole in the roof. PAUL and STEPHEN - both middle-aged homeless men - are each sitting on old kerosene tins, warming themselves before a fire fuelled by bits of timber broken off from the house. They are both smoking pot while they wait for DENISE to return with bottles of red wine and Coca-Cola.

PAUL
The moon's strange aye.

STEPHEN
Yeah.

PAUL
Where do you reckon this cow jumping over the moon comes into it?

STEPHEN
There's no cow.

(PAUL lights a rolly joint.)

PAUL
Why is there a man's face in the moon sometimes?

STEPHEN
What do you mean?

PAUL
The moon.

(PAUL pauses to take a puff of his rolly joint.)

It's getting bigger.

STEPHEN
Nah, you're stoned you cunt.

(PAUL takes another puff.)

PAUL
What do you think about Denise?

STEPHEN
I think she better hurry up with that wine.

PAUL
She's a bit horny don't you reckon?

STEPHEN
You better be careful. When a man chases a woman he looks and gazes in the face, but the face actually portrays the ghost inside himself which is the opposite gender. It's always the opposite to equalise. And when he's looking at the inner ghost inside his mate it is now a woman so it's woman with woman. But if he's gazing at a woman the ghost is a man so it's woman and male.

PAUL
So what happens when they screw? Are they fucking them or the inner ghost?

STEPHEN
I look at you and I see your woman reflection and you look at me and you also see my woman reflection. So if we hug it's homosexual.

(STEPHEN laughs.)

PAUL
Man you're talking weird. You scare me sometimes.

STEPHEN
(haughty) Not many people know this. It's all arcane Jungian teachings.

PAUL
You're talking sorcery.

(PAUL has another puff before becoming alarmed. He points at the gap in the roof.)

PAUL
Look! It is getting bigger!

(The moon swells and it has a face. It is GOD. GOD descends until they eventually rest on the broken rafters of the house. From GOD an insect-type creature flutters, settling on a kerosene tin. It transforms into a winged humanoid clad in white robes; the earthly personification of MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL who speaks with a French accent.)

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(imperious) I herald the arrival of the Supreme Lord of the Universe. Identify yourselves immediately.

STEPHEN
Nah.

(STEPHEN pauses for a puff)

You barged into our place. You identify yourself.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(enraged) Who am I?

(Through hidden ropes MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL is pulled higher so it appears he's grown in stature. The spotlight focused on him changes red to symbolise his rage.)

I am the one and only Michael, emissary of the Supreme Lord. Bow to your Lord God and avert your eyes you wretched creatures.

GOD
Micky... Take it easy. Jeez, we're speaking with the mortals remember.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(to GOD; apologetic) Yes my lord. (to STEPHEN and PAUL; a snide tone) Fortunately for you the Lord God has instructed me to tell you that you may relax, you degenerate specimens of creation.

GOD
Yes, that's right; I am God. Relax, it's okay, never mind him.

STEPHEN
Thanks God. Sorry for getting short but you came in pretty quick there. We have to be careful you know, this is a pretty bad area. And although this place doesn't look like much it's Heaven to us. It's only a few minuted to the grog shop and-

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(interrupting) We need the location of the one you call Carmen and-

(STEPHEN does not appear to be listening. He flings away the tiny butt of an exhausted rolly joint and rolls and lights another one.)

(enraged) Pay attention you insignificant worm.

GOD
(in a gently chastising tone) Micky...

(MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL takes a deep breath in an attempt to moderate his deep-seated contempt for the mortals. STEPHEN takes a long drag.)

STEPHEN
Sorry Mick. You were saying?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(coldly) We are trying to locate this address. We were told the one you call Carmen could be found there.

(MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL hands STEPHEN a piece of paper. STEPHEN tries to read from it, turning the page upside down then sideways. He appears confused.)

STEPHEN
What language is this?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(impatient) It's English.

STEPHEN
Yeah? But it's written in chook scratching.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(offended) I wrote that.

PAUL
Who's Carmen?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(enraged) Who are you to question the motives of the divine?

STEPHEN
Mate, if you're gonna be rude to Paul you can just fuck off. I'm not answering.

(STEPHEN throws the piece of paper to the floor.)

GOD
(annoyed) Micky there you go again. You cause a huge sky-fight 40,000 years ago and we lost a third of the angels all because you wouldn't stop bossing Lucifer around.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
Sorry Lord. I got carried away protecting you.

GOD
(annoyed) Protecting me? Lucifer was your superior and you tried to make him go sweep up the universe. And now when our home is at stake you want to engage in some petty assertion of authority.

STEPHEN
What do you mean, God?

GOD
(concerned) We read in a news clipping that there's a New Heaven being built here in this city and the one you call Carmen is responsible. Frankly, we've been concerned about the steady loss of souls for years and I don't think we can handle the competition. We'll have to shut up shop and-

(GOD gets distracted by the joints STEPHEN and PAUL have continued to smoke. His tone changes from concerned to curious)

Sorry, I'm a bit distracted by that glorious smell. What is that you're smoking?

PAUL
(sheepishly) Ah… that's just marijuana my Lord.

GOD
(impressed) Marijuana? I don't remember creating this marijuana. You humans sure are crafty.

STEPHEN
It's actual name is cannabis sativa.

GOD
Nup, never heard of that either. Is that Latin? I was never good at Latin.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(bored) I'll consult the universal dictionary my Lord.

(from within MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL'S robes, a giant tome is lifted by a hidden stagehand so it appears to have been summoned via angelic magic. MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL flips through the tome before reading from a page desultorily.)

Cannabis Sativa: a herbaceous plant most- commonly cultivated for its psychoactive properties when consumed. Known colloquially as pot.

GOD
(excited) Yes, yes, that's it! Pot! Why didn't you say so in the first place? (suddenly suspicious) Wait a minute. How did you mortals get this?

PAUL
(frantic) We paid for it. I swear.

GOD
No, where did you find it?

STEPHEN
God, you can find pot everywhere.

GOD
How? Pot is the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, found only in the Garden of Eden where your kind have not entered in millennia. How did you get this?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(to GOD) I told you all along my Lord. We've put our faith in the wrong creatures.

GOD
(to PAUL and STEPHEN) When I expelled your kind from the Paradise of Eden you had nothing but a fig leaf to cover your newly-discovered shame. How did this get smuggled out?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(to GOD) I told you at the time my Lord, that wasn't a fig leaf.

GOD
(annoyed) Damn it, I should have looked closer. You know I don't have an eye for details; I've always been the bigger picture type. And now look what it's cost me; this lot of humans have been corrupted too. Corrupted from the very start. That last flood did nothing. No wonder the numbers are dropping in Heaven.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(to GOD) Maybe now you'll listen to me about giving the chimps a go.

PAUL
Excuse me Lord but I was corrupted long before I started smoking pot.

GOD
(exasperated) Please. Don't tell me about original sin. I'm God remember, I wrote the book on it.

PAUL
No, it was worse than that. See, I was born with this peculiar nose deformity for which I've always been teased.

GOD
Yes, I noticed. I didn't want to say anything, but that definitely wasn't made after my image.

PAUL
See, I never knew my father. My mother was married at the time of my birth and when this man set eyes on my lumpy conk he knew immediately that I was not his son and that my mother had been rooting around with the local pseudo-exorcist who had the very same nasal deformity. My mother's husband was a well-respected member of the community and this shame was too much for him to bear. He packed our meagre possessions onto the back of our donkey, which was all they could afford during the depression, and he rode off into the sunset. My mother always blamed me for this and she got so twisted that she eventually believed that I was conceived via demonic possession. She'd blame me for all our misfortune and would tell me everyday that we'd been ostracised because I was a bastard with no earthly father; the son of a devil. I tried to be good. It's hard enough living with a nose like this. You get ostracised. But believing that it was all my fault. That I was evil. I could only take so much.

GOD
(plaintive) They once ostracised my son too.

PAUL
I smoke pot to forget the sins I've been taught. I don't smoke it to learn anything new.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(murmuring to GOD) They both seem a bit simple my Lord. Maybe we were wrong about the whole Tree of Knowledge thing.

GOD
(plaintive) Maybe I need to talk to my son. It wasn't his fault. His mum was engaged to a nice Jewish man. A carpenter. Very honest. But the mum fancied this Roman soldier; tall, polished leather and brass things; a plume of feathers in his helmet. He walked straight with precision and when he barked orders a hundred men would snap to attention. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and he made her pregnant and you people still talk about it 2000 years later. My son was raised believing he was the Spiritual King of the Jews but the Jews never believed him. How could they. Look at him. Blonde hair, blue eyes. And look what they did to him.

(PAUL gets off his kerosene tin and climbs up a damaged wardrobe that they've salvaged for firewood. He holds his rolly joint near GOD's mouth.)

PAUL
Here my Lord. Have a puff of this.

(Without much enthusiasm, GOD has a toke of the joint, coughing loudly before continuing to list their woes.)

GOD
Of course he's going to be even madder with me when I lose our home. What are we going to do about this upstart New Heaven?

STEPHEN
Yeah. What's that all about?

GOD
We read in the paper that your government has bankrolled some redevelopment project. A big block of land down near Henderson called W.A. Inc. The paper said it was going to be better than Heaven. How can we compete with that?

STEPHEN
Is this a government thing?

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(frustrated) Yes.

STEPHEN
Then you mean Carmen Lawrence. The premier.

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
Where is she?

STEPHEN
Well.

(STEPHEN takes another puff of his joint.)

If you go... Um...

GOD
Hey, I think this stuff is working. I can't feel my extremities. (to PAUL) Can I have another puff?

(PAUL again climbs the wardrobe and holds the joint to GOD's lips.)

That's good shit. I feel like I'm flying.

(GOD laughs. STEPHEN has another puff.)

STEPHEN
Yeah, that's it. If you fly up above this building you'll see the railway tracks. Follow them west until you're hovering above Subiaco station. You should be able to hear some loud music; descend on that because it will be coming from the Carmen's house. There's been a lot of noise complaints about her.

(MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL is lifted by hidden ropes until he's hanging just below the curtain.)

MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL
(to GOD) Are you coming my Lord?

GOD
Yeah, I'll catch up. I just want another hit of this.

(MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL is lifted up into the rafters.)

My son could have used some of this on Golgotha Hill.

(Through a door on stage right enters DENISE. She is a homeless woman in her mid-twenties. She is full of enthusiasm, holding two bottles of wine.)

DENISE
(excitedly) Check this out. Two bottles for the price of one. I feel like I'm in Heaven.

GOD
So do I.

END OF ACT ONE

During INTERMISSION there is a full cast performance of I FEEL LIKE I'M IN HEAVEN, an original song written by CLEM CUMBO.

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