Karaoke Report
by Clem Galea



The Perth Karaoke Scene is healthy in my opinion. I sing three nights a week and if I had the time I could go more often than that. The following is a brief about the north-of-the-river karaoke hotels I most regularly visit.

Hotel Northbridge 210 Lake St. PERTH (Friday 7:30-11pm)

It's a Groove Karaoke operation which is run by Karen and Harry. This is a young crowd mostly, but they don't arrive until a little later. It's good because I can get there early and book a few songs in a row and hopefully I'm singing when all the young people show up at around 8:30pm. They're a young gay crowd. They cheer each other. They modify the song to impress the person they're trying to root. A few weeks ago a singer stopped the song to tell everyone that he was getting married to his friend in the crowd that weekend, guy-to-guy marriage. The whole bar area burst into spontaneous applause. It was beautiful actually.

I was there at Hotel Northbridge on the Covid shutdown night. I had an itchy fingertip which usually means something to me but I ignored it because I wanted to have a good night. But my itchy finger was right because cops invaded the joint. One of the people said that one of the lockdown guests had left their room and come down for a drink. So I tried to sneak out but the cops were outside waiting. I gave my name and address and then waited out the 2 days until I was cleared by the COVID testing at RPH. I didn't tell my daughters about it. They think I'm a good Nannu who goes to bed at 8pm. Yeah I go to bed at 8pm but then I get up at 11pm and I'm fresh 'til tomorrow morning. Heh heh heh.

Springs Tavern 131 Bridgeman Dr. BEECHBORO (Friday 7-9pm)

I used to go here on occasion. It's run by Marcella and Kimberly, a lesbian couple from Ceduna who took their FIFO money and bought state-of-the-art equipment from Cash Converters. Marcella doesn't have a clue. She doesn't go out of her way to find a song for you. She has the best equipment yet she'll get content cheap. She won't get the official video, she'll get the one made by high school kids in Singapore who don't speak English and make the video for pocket money. They get the words wrong; 'truck' instead of 'trunk' in House of the Rising Son. Or 'phase' instead of 'place' for Gnarls Barkley Crazy. When you do a difficult song like Gnarls they can't be bothered to change it one key down. Even Gnarls will sing it one key down in the studio and then they move it up. But when I do it I sound terrible. And Kimberly isn't much better. She won't put on anything over 5 minutes and blames the computer. That's not true. She can override it. She could cut it manually. I don't think she likes me cos I'm old. She wants to be around the young people. She just wants money and young people bring in money.

I don't think this has reopened since COVID, which is not a shame. Hopefully the venue can find better operators.

High Wycombe Tavern 530 Kalamunda Rd. HIGH WYCOMBE (Saturday 8-11pm)

The High Wycombe is a very modern, semi-rural tavern. It has a large outdoors entertainment area and tons of parking. The stage is stepped up about one metre above floor level; now that's what I call a stage. The karaoke is operated by Miffy and Jimbo from Die Hard Karaoke and they bring a loud system, probably the best in Perth. They pull a vibrant audience; pre-COVID, the local who sung while also pretending to headjob the microphone would get a mighty applause. One time when I went up to sing I was feeling a little bit dry in my throat. I thought I'd manage no problem and I was sipping on coke, which is the worst thing you can do because Coke is sugary and it brings up phlegm if you're not right in the throat and the respiratory system. And sure enough, half way through the song I could feel this great big fucken greenie climbing up and it got stuck to the top of my tonsils. I tried to suck it back in but it didn't work. So during a pause in the song I pretended to shield my nose and I brought it up into my hand. I had this big phlegm in my hand and I didn't know how to get rid of it. I thought everyone would see me put it in my pocket so I did this rock star move and flicked it. It landed in a big flower pot and nobody seemed to notice or care.

Miffy and Jimbo always give me the kindest introduction, like this one from my first visit to the High Wycombe:

Then I belt it out to great applause. The week after this I chose Master of Puppets. I really put on a show as I'd rehearsed the song a few times at my flat. I didn't realise that it was the first week of coronavirus and local football was off, so they went to the pub instead. The whole team. They'd been drinking since 2pm. The bouncer was the coach of the team as well which is compromising for him because the team was fully pissed. They were all hugging each other. But during my song I really put effort into the 'I'm gonna kill you' line, which most people don't know is the personification of the heroin addiction mocking its victims. The footy blokes didn't know and they started throwing ice at each other. And then they were breaking off branches from the plants to keep the right social distance but they were really just taking the piss and swatting each other. The bouncer blamed me for starting a mini-riot. I didn't mind. I left to go to the shish-kebab place to talk to my pseudo-girlfriend. But when I went back next time, Miffy's husband Jimbo pulled me aside and said 'NO METALLICA.' They told me that after I'd sung Metallica there was only one more song and they had to shut down. It was early but the whole place looked like a cowboy movie. And not just because of the footballers; the people who came to eat didn't like hearing a song encouraging death. Before me was Louie Armstrong, then I came along and fucked up the night for most of the people.

They have an app to register your songs, but if you are a little shy of computers like me, Miffy and Jimbo will only be too happy to help you out.

7 Mile Inn 501 Wanneroo Rd. BALCATTA (Saturday 8-11pm)

This is a classy place to take your family. The karaoke was run by Lexi and Serge who are wife and husband. I first met them when they ran karaoke at the Belmont Tavern about three years ago. That night I did House of the Rising Son and Enter Sandman. I think Lexi likes me. Even my daughter said she likes me and I think it's because of my raspy voice. Anyway they got fired from Belmont Tavern and I heard later they'd moved to 7 Mile Inn. When I went there, Lexi gave me a big hug and was so happy. She said 'I thought I'd lost you' and I thought 'lost what?' Her husband watched the whole thing. He didn't seem to mind. I think he's used to this kind of scenery.

They have taken a break since COVID. I hope to bump into them soon.

Newpark Tavern 61 Templeton Crescent. GIRRAWHEEN (Sunday 4-8pm)

Hooky the organiser was once a very engaging character but he hasn't been the same since the accident. Now he seems to take pleasure in taking the mickey out of people, which he probably shouldn't do now he has a deformed ear. He was always giving me a hard time about my song choices, telling me to pick something suited to my age, like the Beatles or Ricky Nelson. I think he feels on top when he does that.

One time he told me off for changing the lyrics of Wild Thing to 'wild thing, you make my balls stink.' But I got such good applause. From the males mostly. You know what males are like.

Because of Corona the karaoke has taken a break for the time being. Hopefully it will get going again soon as there is abundant parking.



There you go. Karaoke in Perth. Don't be shy. I was diagnosed with COPD in 1998 and asbestosis in 1999. It doesn't slow me down. I've been working pretty hard on Sweet Child o' Mine and I think it's ready. Come give me your praise and adoration.