Clem Galea
An Interview with Nathan Kelly

Without musical training, or a history of public performance besides karaoke, Clem Galea began writing songs at the age of seventy-seven; songs at once joyful and puerile, in the style of Rudy Ray Moore or Rodney Rude but sung in a voice Clem himself describes as that of 'The Fishmonger of Bagdhad.' I spoke with Clem in anticipation of the release of Songs For The Pub, the first collection of his music.



Your songs are some of the funniest I've ever heard.
I didn't think much of it really, until I heard you laughing [during the recording sessions]. If the people laugh, let them hear it.

But then why the late-night SMS telling me to stop the release?
Yeah. That's not the full truth. I always wanted them out. There were just some nights I couldn't sleep thinking about it under my name.

Some of those fake names you suggested were terrible. Clem Nitro. Gino Culo. Luigi Culossimo. Tito Benito and the Hot Testicle Band.
[laughter] What's wrong with that?

They're fake. So much of the joy I get from your music is in the unabashed way you sing about this stuff. You sound so proud. It's kind of ruined by a fake name.
Yeah, I was thinking about my aunty really. I'm happy for the attention but I didn't want to embarrass her with the rudeness.

That's really kind. Given how much I know you like attention.
[laughter]

I asked your aunty what she thought about it anyway and she laughed - she told me she thinks it's funny. I don't think she's too embarrassed.
Really? Did she hear it yet?

You showed her.
Did I?

She heard it anyway. She told me she's used to this kind of thing from you. She said she found it embarrassing when she was younger but not anymore.
[hearty laughter] A lot of people liked it actually. The people at RPH, they looked at me with envy. 'Where did you get the notion of filling it up with all this?' They thought you hear about people making songs and it takes two years or something. Pink Floyd used to go from England to the United States and meet someone, they write a couple of lines, they meet someone else, they organise this part for him, let it sit for a while; it just goes on and on. But mine was fluent.

I've always assumed that this was because a lot of it was autobiographical. But I've been afraid to ask.
[laughter] Nah it's all bullshit. I'm a good catholic boy. Or maybe it's true... It's true if you want it to be true [laughter].

You don't think the people you're singing about are good catholics?
Which one?

Dawn's nephew?
No. No really. Catholics gets upset about adultery. It's against nature to dip your wick. And he was dipping it into molten flame so much - not an electrical but a kerosene one - dipping so much it takes off.

Is flogging your meat a mortal sin?
I don't know. Probably. It's outside marriage. It's not like stealing apples which is miniscule. If you're hungry, you eat; that's nature. Flogging your meat is the against law of nature because it's a waste of semen. Wait… you're talking about the boy [in Clem's song The Cure]. He was born into a catholic family but he was just full of youthful enthusiasm. They were just worried that his dick would fall off.

What about his soul?
Nah, he's alright. He just had the enthusiasm of youth which clears all parts of the mind. He'll think about it later.

I reckon you still have that type of enthusiasm. It's why I always thought that song in particular was based on your experiences.
No. I was a good catholic boy. Church every Sunday. Good at mathematics.

So the songs are about people you know?
No. I don't think so. It all just came to me spontaneously.

You wrote them all at home?
Yeah. All of it in one sitting. [singing] I was born and raised on Broadway Avenue… Maylands that is. [This is the opening line to Clem's song Aunty Dawn, the third song on Songs for the Pub - ed.].



Where's Bungaree [a location mentioned in Clem's song The Chick with Two Dicks]?
That's a tiny town, about three or four houses. There's still a pub standing, from the old days of the wheat.

I thought this all happened in Maylands. And Bungaree was the name of the unit complex.
No, no, if you want to meet the chick you go to Bungaree.

So the song is about you - who lives in Maylands - telling the story about the chick with two dicks who lives in Bungaree?
No… should you wish to meet the girl you go to the town of Bungaree and the woman that you see with two zips in the front is her.

So she moved from Maylands?
She was never in Maylands.

So who was born and raised on Broadway Avenue?
Me… Ah yeah yeah, I see what you mean. [singing] I was born and raised on… Broadway Avenue... Maylands that is. [speaking again] I forgot I gotta be careful what I say around you, you're like Michael the Archangel with your combativeness and your eye for details. It's like I'm under constant surveillance and judgement [there is no Broadway Avenue in Maylands WA - ed.]

So the song is about you singing about the chick?
Yes. You're right. I am my favourite subject. I can talk about it for hours [laughter].

Before I ever met you I was asked by one of your neighbours to get you to stop singing. That's how we met. Me [in the role of Crisis Accommodation Support Worker] having to tell you to shut up.
[laughter] Yeah, a lot of them complained. You're talking about the homeless place. Some of them thought it was a sweet and nice thing. They just needed accommodation but they were doing alright. But there were some there who were very desolate in their moods. In their emotions.

The guy I was thinking about was probably in that first category. He was just pissed off that I'd caught him kicking the cat. He was trying to deflect by complaining about you.
So you're saying my voice isn't bad after all.

I'm sure he loved it.
He was the one, wasn't he, who put up a note everywhere saying don't feed the pigeons? So everyone threw bread in the gutter outside his room [laughter].



[laughter] Yeah. Him.
Are you sure he shouldn't be in the desolate category of people?

Have you always been quite proud of your singing? Or is that something that happened later in life?
No, that's something later in life.

When did you discover karaoke?
Karaoke didn't really exist when I was already keen. All I did then was the same Rolling Stones song [Little Red Rooster - ed.] and Paint it Red [sic]; [singing] I see a red door and I want it painted black.

This was in Melbourne? When you were an apprentice?
When I was an apprentice I used to love anything that had a beat.

Did you sing at work?
Not all of it. I only knew about three of the stanzas.

Because you'd get told to shut up?
No [laughter]. Because I don't have a good attention span for learning words. If I was in a band and I was told 'here's the lyrics, learn it by tonight,' I would not be able to do it for weeks. I've been trying to learn Paranoid [the song Clem was singing when he and the interviewer first met - ed.] and I still can't get it until I see the first line in the stanza.



Maybe this is why you find it easy to create entire songs spontaneously?
That's different. I was brought up in a rich culture. I had Neil Diamond. I had The Atlantics [Clem whistles the guitar line to Bombora]. Beautiful music. Australia's first. You heard of it?

The surf band? Instrumental?
That's the one. Beautiful. It really took the country by storm. The beat of the guitar... [This pub] is a nice place isn't it? Maybe the best one yet.

It's a good time of year.
It's nice. It's all set up. Good stage. Nice and central. Lots of lights. Next step I should ask them if we can do the song party here.

I didn't know Bombora was Australian.
Yeah it is. But it's got a continental beat. Greekish. Gene Pitney [singing] east is east and west is weeeeest. [talking again] And then there was the guy who sang Ahab the Arab [singing] Let me tell you about Ahab the Arab, sheik of the burning saaaands [laughter].

When did you first hear that song?
About sixty-two or sixty-one. I was doing an apprenticeship - a cadetship really - with Astor Radio in South Melbourne. This would have to be… nineteeeen…sixty-two. Sixty-one I worked at Pye Radio and they didn't have radios actually, it was servicing taxis. Taxi radios. Valve radios. With that one there were speakers everywhere.

Like your apartment in Maylands.
[singing] I got a table for two but it's only you. [talking] My first radio we had for home was a big Aristone radio with a big 12-inch speaker, broad range, and it had AM, record player, short wave; that's about it. There was no hifi shit about it. And we all loved it.

Where do you see your music fitting in?
Don't know… When it was originally coming out of me I looked at it as a source of pleasure. Practically, between a few friends. Get together. But now the possibility of it going public means my pleasure's gonna be tenfold. More people are sharing it. From what you've been telling me.

Do you want to hear some of your reviews?
Really? They rang you or what?

Nah. Messages.
You getting that many?

A few. I haven't shared it with that many people yet. Can I read you the messages?
Alright. Is this the one where they said the description in the lyrics makes you swear that you were there tasting it, sniffing it… the slug trail of the chick who I couldn't find, but you could find the chick with no legs by the slug trail? That's another song I got for you too.

[First message] The relentlessness of the cum and genital detail is pretty magical. Ecstatic even.
[Laughter] This person sounds like they need a wank badly… like a rich lord who's repressed. [That review] is nice mate. Pass my gratitudes to your friend.

[Second message] This is hilarious. I wouldn't be surprised if it goes viral.
Yeah, like coronavirus 19. [laughter]

Speaking of repression, I've noticed you have open views regarding alternative lifestyles. For someone of your generation. And religion.
Yeah I think I grew accustomed… I'll tell you another joke.

Does it have anything to do with my comment?
What comment?

About you tolerant views.
I thought we were still talking about the genitalia descriptions?

I moved on when you suggested my friend might be a rich lord who's repressed.
I am accepting of different lifestyles. Anything is fine as long as they don't affect those or others adversely. So violence. Drug dealers probably. But then again drug dealers are strange. They are there because people search for them. If they don't find this one drug dealer there are another 5000 around the corner so… and if it goes to court for smoking dope you find that the lawyer defending you smokes dope and the judge who's gonna sentence you also smokes dope, so it's a stain… Quickly the other joke - do you want to turn your phone off for this? Maybe I don't want the readers to know this one.

Ok.
This friend of mine was telling me that one of his mates had a pain in the stomach and had to go to the doctor and when the doctor gave him an examination he told the bloke to take off his pants. The bloke said 'why do I have to do that, the pain is in my stomach,' but the doctor said 'do you want me to find out what's wrong with you? Take off you pants.' So he did. And the doctor stood back a bit and said 'my my my, what a fine pair of suntanned balls you got.' [laughter] And the bloke got angry and said 'I'm sick, stop playing with me.' 'No worries,' said the doctor. He wrote him a script and said, 'here, take this medicine. And follow this diet precisely. You'll be better in no time. And I still say you have the best pair of suntanned balls I've ever seen.' So the bloke goes home, all pissed off, and finds his wife at the clothesline, baby under one arm, pegs in her mouth, two other kids causing trouble around her ankles, and the bloke snaps at her, 'oi, you, doctor told me you are to purify the food you cook for me, it's too processed. Doctor gave me instructions here,' and the wife has a quick look at the instructions, kids running around, baby under her arms, and she says, 'really. I have do all this? I'm already so busy I don't even have time to wipe my arse,' to which the bloke says 'and that's another thing I have to talk to you about.'

I heard that joke before.
Really?

I don't get what that has to do with what we were talking about.
We were talking about rooting weren't we?

Have you always been a joke teller?
It's possibly yes. In a way I'm a bit shy when I meet people. Not that I think that people can see through me like they have x-ray eyes like in the comics but I think I have an internal shyness so I use the joke to make people smile and laugh, to disarm them from the seriousness that I was too shy to confront.

You're shy but you feel compelled to stand in front of a pub audience singing dirty songs?
Maybe I like telling jokes.

I haven't met anyone with a bigger repertoire of jokes than you.
Ok. You triggered me. Down where I worked, in South Melbourne, on the lines was a deaf - profoundly deaf, nothing at all - and he told me this joke, about a drunk who gets on the tram at Carlton, and there's a woman nursing a baby, and the drunk stood near her and moaned, 'what have you got there missy, you got a baby? It looks like a monkey. Is it a monkey or a baby?' And she was very distressed by this and called out for the conductor and the conductor came up and said 'what's the matter?' and she said 'this drunk is abusing me.' And the conductor said 'no problem miss, leave it with me.' And he turned to the drunk and said, 'this is your final warning, if you can't leave the lady and her monkey alone I'll kick you off the tram.'

Yeah… Maybe stick to your own material.
Actually that was my leading hand at Astor Radio. He's dead now… When the Americans were trying to corner Hussein, there were a lot of potholes where he was trying to bury himself. So they applied a joke to his vanity. 'Hussein! Hussein! Who is sane!?' And he couldn't resist and he screamed out, 'Me! Me! I'm sane! '

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Clem Galea
Songs for the Pub

For fans of RODNEY RUDE, BLOWFLY, RAED MELKI